The apartment I signed to rent is a Military building and I feel very guilty, Tuesday evening Al Puccino asked where I stay and well I was moving so I said near Castello because it was, ohhh dear I feel so horrible talking for the future while it was still at that time present and I was still staying in the Hotel.
I believe it to be impossible to find an apartment in two days. I cannot stay in hotels, I want to cook and relax in my own space.... not having control over something is getting to me.
My return ticket to South Africa is for tonight 19/11/2010 check in at 18:00 and I cannot picture any visions for myself over there.
I am terrified to exist heartless in a space I have no intention being in, so what should I do?
My heart is breaking asking God why cant I just peacefully have a family for longer than a short while, I just want a big family happy, festive, kind like my Ronchi's family?
I don't understand what I did wrong to deserve this, I don't use drugs, I don't smoke cigarettes, I am not cruel, dishonest, disrespectful, I don't judge, I don't hate and hold grudges, I'm not an unfaithful person, I'm so sad phhh dear and the Duomo? Ohhh my I cannot take this, this is worse then all past experiences.
Description of my feelings right now is very very emotional, very heartbroken, pain in my chest, breathing louder by the thought of departing on an aeroplane, endless tears pouring down my cheeks while I stuggle really hard not to break down and cry. I cannot write here any longer after today, no it will be too much for me to handle.
Last night I was at Ronchi's again trying to say goodbye to Giaomo, Max, chef and the other singer, very very excellent on a guitar. I was trying to smile and not look sad, yet the tears kept pouring from my cheeks, I tried to look happy for all of them but how can one look happy when your heart is shattering from the inside, not knowing how long it will take again for healing.
I am trying to see the best in this situation that is very tragic to me right now. The light and the blessings of this experience was true bliss. Thank you so much!!!!!
Amore Sempre