Many things have been going through my mind since Sunday evening, my feelings were hurt badly but I am alright I guess, My own fault pffff.
I am sitting looking at walnuts and my thoughts drifted down memory lane..... Suddenly I found myself thinking about my father... He passed away many years ago but I still feel him close most times...
About a week ago I shared a photo of my parents with a close friend of mine who is very dear to My heart and means the world to me. I do not easily share my past with anyone, my past was very dark, difficult and painful and I choose to only shine light, give love, laughter and joy to the world now and in my future. I must add that even though I had many trails in my past , I would not change one day in my past because it has formed me to be who I am today and I am very proud of myself.
I can remember just after my concert My brother and I went to visit my Grandfather in Kwazlu Natal, Margate (100km from Durban) where he lived. We went to visit him every school holiday with my parents actually but that particular school holiday my parents could not go, my father just bought a new business for my mother and obviously with everything else with the new business they had to stay and work.
Ahhh Margate, always green and tropical, the house was a walk away from the beach but my favorite beach was Uvongo beach, it had a waterfall with a lagoon that flew into the sea, beautiful!!! We normally swam to the waterfall to sit under the waterfall ohh It was Devine. Normally we woke up at 6am to be at the beach at 7am and spend all day at the beach. I've always been a beach baby, I saw a picture of myself 2 years ago when I was 1 year old, I had only one pink g-string on running full speed towards the sea and my father behind me trying to catch me because I was told when they looked away for a second I was up running to the waves, hehehehe I kept them fit.
The evening before the second of October we were all having a barbaque with my grandfather and I saw the monkeys on the telephone lines walking to sit on the roof of the the lower section part of the house that was the maids quarters. The monkeys came because they were hoping for fruit but we were forbidden to feed them because when you first start to feed them, they come in and reck the house when you are not there.
So I was looking at the papa monkey, and whoops there he was licking his backside displaying his crown jewels very openly to the planet, uhahahahahaha, I was staring at this monkey's private parts because it was shocking blue, you couldnt miss these large shocking blue big balls, then while I was staring, this shocking pink thing emerged out from these shocking blue balls and I was really amused........I was hipnotised actually, the colours of those private parts were unbelievable It probably glows in the dark too?
My attention was then braught back to earth when my name was called to speak to my father on the telephone.
My father called the landline that night because he wanted to speak to everybody and as soon as I picked up the telephone to speak to him I told him all about the monkey's balls, he listened and laughed himself silly as I was passionately explaining the colours, how the monkey sat etc. While I was babbeling to him he suddenly just said loudly over the phone but gently with excitement and pride "Ek is lief vir jou My pop", translated "I love you my little doll".
I smiled broadly because I was surprised, ahhhh I love surprises, so I told him I loved him very much back, (soft loving smile).
My relationship with My father were not normal, I listened to him, respected him but he was My best friend too. We spent all our time together and he loved me more than anything on the planet, he was My hero too, we swam together always, played bee bee guns, went fishing every weekend, built go-carts in the back, another section on the house that was stocked with sleaper wood to build things, hehehehehe when My mother tried to get me to do the salon thing Mama Mia I was annoyed, My mind always drifted towards where My dad was. ohhh Sundays were Formula 1 day watching Micheal Shoemacher as he raced and won and we went offroad driving always... It was super fun, ohhh I love speed, adrenalin rush!!!
October the 2nd 1997, we awoke early to go to Uvongo Beach, we were there at 7am, the water was still low tide so I was playing in the little stream that flew from the waterfall into the sea. My brother joined me and told me that we must pretend to be still crocodiles so we both just layed in the little stream pretending to be still crocodiles hehehehehe, about 08:10 am My grandfather came walking towards where the grown-ups were sitting, I was confused because My grandfather was dressed in his suit and looked puzzled, when he saw myself and My brother he called My brother to go to him at once... I was really confused because once My brother reached everybody he was told some news and started to scream. My grandfather then patted him on his back hard and I thought that My brother was such a baby, yes he was sunburnt a bit but he did not have to act like a Crazy person.
So I twirled around in the water now pretending to be a happy syncronised swimming crocodile then suddenly I noticed everybody was crying and not just My brother. WOOAH, it was strange to me and remember clearly that I was wondering why everybody was crying over my brothers sunburn?
I ran to where everybody was standing and crying, but they all turned their backs on me, avoiding me, I was getting more nervous by the second and started to yell at the top of My trought "WHAT HAPPENED!!!!?", My stepgrandmother then looked at me and told me "your father died." , I can remember everybody turning towards me in horror, everything went quiet and felt slowmotion because It felt like somebody took a thick blunt spear and pressed it straight through My chest that crushed My heart, then another that went staight through my stomach. The pain and shock was so great within me, all that came from My Lips were a deadly loud scream, it sounded like I was being tortured to death slowly and then My knees collapsed underneath me. I was laying remembering people hovering over me, looking backwards seeing as My brother was trying to run, to where, I dont know?
We were taken to the doctor immedietly to get injections to calm down and afterwards I just layed staring a the walls, not moving, not making a sound, just lifeless eyes.
I was in denial for a long time, the funeral was the worst, when the coffin sunk into the ground they had to sustain me because I wanted to jump into the hole to go with. I was in denial for 4 years after My father's death, I could not accept it at all. I was dead inside, I was alone.
Yes it was tragic but I pulled through being a good person, remembering what he had thought me, remembering the solid and good morals as well as values of life, the unconditional pure love he thought me. I was blessed to have had him even if it was only for nine years... He was a really good man, father and husband dont forget son.
People do not understand me, time spent with someone you love or care about for me is priceless because I have lost everything already and all that kept me going was the memories and the desire to make new happy memories one day. Happy memories are the most precious gifts in life for me.
We all have trails we go through but remember that the hard Times Are there for a reason. What does not kill us makes us stronger.
Nobody's lives Are perfect, we all have had pain, we have all felt rejected, broken down, humiliated, sad, angry but look around you, if you still have your health and you Are still breathing then you have Made it untill now, you have gone through so much and you Are still standing tall, you Are fantastic, so be proud of yourself and let the past in the past.
WoW sorry for writing sooooooo much...
I wish you all a beautiful day and smile!
Amore Sempre
